The Pain of Remembrance, Shame, and The Perfect Doppelgänger That Never Was
It may be just a moment; two seconds tops. You’re walking into a store, you’re running to catch the bus, you’re waiting to be seen by the optometrist. You remember a conversation you had, you remember once when you were so embarrassed you thought time would stand still, you remember saying something cruel that came from a part of you in pain that was desperately looking to be given love and comfort. Then a wave of sorrow hits you that’s so strong, that you feel like you need to run to the nearest bathroom or quiet spot to get a hold of yourself.
What do we do when this happens? Is there any way to make it “go away” completely? Do we want it to?
The sting of remembrance, the hurt of painful memories can be very powerful teachers that lead us to change if we let them be. But first, we have to move past the parts that are disturbing and scary.
The situations and events have already taken place. We keep replaying them over and over, why? There are healers who’ve already spoken much about the masochistic tendencies of those who were taught early to eat, breathe, and live shame. We already know that many people loop memories because they think they deserve the pain associated with them.
But what I think is not much spoken about is how perfectionism can be the silent partner in shame’s enterprise. In this day in age, when we are to be the best, the brightest, never wrong; we don’t let ourselves be humans capable of making mistakes. And we’re even more terrified to let anyone in on these mistakes for fear that anytime we make another one, we’ll be reminded of the old ones. The worst part is we wish we could go and erase that painful memory we were a part of and replace us with a doppelgänger that said the right thing, was the righteous one in the situation, didn’t get involved in the first place.
My advice for today is to exorcise the perfect doppelgänger along with the rest of those exaggerated demons. The doppelgänger isn’t real and you know what? Doesn’t need to exist at all. That past you is involved in this painful memory but the past you is human just as you are now and will always be.
You may see with time that you were right about whatever it was or how the situation/events are more nuanced than you thought before and you could have been the unlucky scapegoat. Or everything was as you thought, you were wrong and that’s perfectly acceptable.
Now, how do we help ease the memories? The number #1 remedy is time. Like I stated above, this is an oldie and a goodie for a reason, but unfortunately takes patience. How do we not lose our minds in the meantime?
The not-so-fun: If you wronged someone, apologize. This can be a very spiritual or character-building activity, but only if you truly mean it. Unsincere apologies so you can go on with your life( again feeding the “I am perfect again” doppelgänger ) do nothing for no one. A confession-type interaction really just puts pressure on the person you’re apologizing to. And they don’t need to forgive or accept anything.
I can tell you from experience, this can truly be painful and you’ll be worse for the ware if you don’t truly mean it. I also don’t recommend reaching out years and years later. A “surprise attack” on someone who has forgotten all about you no matter how close you were ( I know, ouch) is not the best.
Letting yourself be intentionally “wrong”: There’s nothing the perfect doppelgänger hates more than you messing up. What I am about to say may sound weird to do, but it helps. Now, I am not talking about being a surgeon and cutting the wrong valve or purposefully leaving your kids at school until 8 p.m. More like:
Leave typos in inconsequential emails or social media posts, posts pictures you think are unflattering( 9 times out of 10 you look fine and are overthinking it), let someone read, see, interact with a piece of writing or art you’re working on.
These little things help you chip away at the perfect doppelgänger and help you accept when you’ve been wrong in the past, present, and future. It may seem like a roundabout way to go for lessening painful memories, but it all interconnects.
With Universal Love,
Karen